You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
