I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
