Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
