My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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