Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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