Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
