a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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