I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
