FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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