Will you blow on my dice?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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