Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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