you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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