You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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