That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
