Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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