Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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