there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
