Christians are straight up FREAKS
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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