i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i now understand why vodka
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
