I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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