I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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