My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
