My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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