those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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