After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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