I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
