Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
