you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
