Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
