the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She announced her abortion via fbk
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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