you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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