I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
