I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.