Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.