her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He felt like a one man threesome
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
