I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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