I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
