New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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