Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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