halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
