You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Someone came in the potted fern
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
