Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
