Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
