My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
