does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
