I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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