I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
