It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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