theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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