I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
