Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
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I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
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fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Im part way to drunk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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