it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
