Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
