Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
