Fine. I'll sleep in my office
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
