how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
