After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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