my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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